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it’s been so long since i’ve been alone
i can’t think of a time
when you will realise
that you were breathing by my side
my mother said
to talk things thru
don’t let heavy hearts pile up on you
but how can i
when i’m too scared to speak
i cried all night
but i put in too much to turn away now
I’ve been waiting for you to say
that i am better off
with out you
anyway
but we both know that thats just a lie
but whats said is done
we’re almost gone
i can’t see your face
ooohhh oohhhh
i can’t find my way
ohhhhh whoooaaa
i can’t catch a break
ohhhhh whoooaaa
i can’t count the days
everyone looks the same
everyone looks the same
ohhh whoooaaa
everyone looks the same
ohhh whoooaa
everyone looks the same
ohhh whoooaa
everyone looks the same
ohhhh whoooaaa
ohhhh whoooaaa

[the morning benders]

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in dersperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need from them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we create in the first place.

Elizabeth Gilbert

I think, as artists, there are specific points in our lives by which we can measure renaissance, growth, epiphany. “Lightbulb” moments, or, in retrospect, a trail of crumbs that has lead us to the ground upon which we stand today. I’m young so mine are small, but meaningful all the same.

When I was in kindergarten, I had to make a snowman out of torn pieces of paper. I couldn’t tear a circle, only squares. I vowed to get better…

A couple years later, I made this:

And by 5th grade, I was a staple in the school and town student art shows.

When I was 18, I drew these:

And a year later, someone stole the one on the right off the wall in my home (luckily it was recovered – thanks, Tiff).

I had more art stolen off The Fire’s restroom walls sometime between 2005-2008.

People paid for my art too, starting in 2005.

I was a featured artist at one of the local Starbucks in 2006 and (yet AGAIN!) had piece stolen right off the wall.

I made a serious tracking mistake when I got “this is war” tattooed on my arm. I vowed to study type & never make an error like that again.

A couple years later, requests for tattoo designs were coming in tenfold.

My photographs have been transfered to canvas and hang in others’ homes.

My ad design was seen in Chicago Social Brides magazine.

A poster I designed was part of a group exhibit in Chicago.

A self portrait I shot on B&W film was part of a group exhibit in Chicago.

I got hired at the Art & Design Portfolio center at Columbia.

Nickelodeon and Disney had real live copies of my design work sitting on their television show developers’ desks.

The government recognized me as a self-employed graphic designer and photographer.

And in between all those things, I was so inspired by Franz Kline, Sabrina Ward Harrison, Dada, the Situationist International, The Weathermen, Alphonse Mucha, Paul Rand, Emigre as a whole, and a few real good professors and colleagues. ┬áThe little things are most important to me, the looking back & the recognition of my creative self. Pinpointing my achievements and realizing what’s meaningful. I’m more proud that my work’s been stolen than sitting on the desks of enormous corporations. I’m more proud that my work’s permanently on people’s bodies than on the walls of galleries. I like the ceramic birdhouse that I made in 3rd grade much better than I like the work I do for my corporate clients. I like the impromptu hipstamatic photos I shoot on my iPhone better than the planned portrait sessions I’ve been paid for. But it’s all good, it’s all my life and I’m happy…

“if it does not feed the fire of your creativity, then leave it.

if people and things do not inspire your heart to dream, then leave them.”

Things have been more quiet than not lately. A little more stress-free. Kind of surprising I guess, having just started a new job at The Fire, but it’s the nicest job I could ask for right now. Feels so good to do something so hands-on. My fingers are rough & scratched from grouting mosaics and cutting glass, and I like it. I’ve been running a bit more & temps are supposed to be in the 30s & pretty sunny for the next 10 days so that means lots more running. The bills are paid, Sam’s birthday party is on Saturday, the Olympics are fun, I’ve been silencing my phone at night & sleeping a regular schedule, cooking at home a lot, you know… just all-around good and mellow. Emily & Matt close on their house tomorrow, so that’s super exciting. I wonder if I’ll ever own a house? Seems like the chores of older-home ownership can be quite daunting & that’s not too appealing to me… but at the same time, I’m a single girl in my mid-twenties. No husband or kids, I don’t have a career that’s keeping me in one place, I don’t even have a dog that needs a yard. Not to say that I don’t want those things (ok, not so much the binding career), but that’s just not me right now. I like to joke around & say, “marriage? kids? house? it would take quite the guy to change my mind…” & I’m ok with that.

Well, Blucifer & I are off to bed. Wanna catch up with some reading but… [yawn]. I’ve been reading EXPECT RESISTANCE: a field manual & THE SITUATIONIST INTERNATIONAL: a user’s guide, and I can’t imagine that the similarities are strictly coincidental… the red type, the same reference material, the similarities in titles…

xoxo,

kris.

Shameless Sea
Aimlessly so blue
Midnight moon shines for you

Still marooned
Silence drifting through
Nowhere to choose
Just blue

Ceaselessly
Star-crossed you and me
Save our souls
We’ll be forever blue

Waves roll
Lift us in blue
Drift us
Seep right through
Color us blue

Wait for me
Shameless you the Sea
Soon the blue
So soon
Soon the Blue
So soon.